Little Useless Me

Do you ever find yourself feeling useless? Like you have nothing to offer the people in your life? You know its not true, but it sure feels like it. It often turns out that you just need a little motivation or inspiration to get back to feeling your normal self again, right? Well, that’s not necessarily the case for me.

I have stage IV cancer. I was diagnosed in 2014 just before going into my last year of high school. At the time I didn’t feel any effects from the cancer. And, because I decided against chemotherapy, I still had a relatively normal life. I felt great and I was able to do everything I wanted to do. As the years have progressed, so has the cancer in my body. I have tumours on and around my left kidney and in both lungs. The kidney is a very sensitive organ, that’s why some people say that kidney stones hurt more than child-birth! I have quite a lot of kidney pain most days which usually inhibits me from keeping plans and doing things I enjoy.

I’m also currently undergoing treatment in Arizona which means that I live part-time in Arizona and part time in Ontario. I can’t get a job since I’m living in two countries and even if I were to be home full time, my working options are limited due to the pain. I attended Laurentian University for 3 semesters but had to put my degree on hold. And on top of everything else, I feel like my husband lacks a wife since he does everything for me and I often can’t return the favour. In other words, I don’t feel useless… I am useless.

My job right now is to get better. Take all my medications and supplements. Eat the healthy food I know is good for me. Get rest. Get healthy.

I am, however, being a little over dramatic. My life is not that bad at all. I have a great life, actually. I have family who love me unconditionally, they don’t love me because of my life’s successes. I have friends who support me and care about me. I have a husband who continually displays his true love for me. And most importantly I have a father in heaven who loves me more than I can comprehend. God sees all of my hurt and pain and frustration and he tells me to trust him. Trust that his plan is perfect and trust that he will use me and my experiences to glorify his name. WOW! I feel completely useless to everyone on this earth but God doesn’t think I’m useless at all. He loves me so much and he knows that I have purpose.

I started this blog because I am not useless. I can write. I can write about what I’ve learned and how I feel and what I’m going through. My mother in-law Cindy, sister in-law Charity and best friend Serena were all big inspirers for the creation of my blog. (These 3 ladies have their own blogs, all completely different and unique, and I’d strongly suggest you check them out! Cindy’s Blog ,Charity’s Blog, Serena’s Blog). It was these 3 ladies who, whether they knew it or not, helped me feel useful again. I am very thankful for them. God knew I needed a little encouragement. I don’t need to have it all together because God is strong when I am weak. I can rely on Him to get me through it.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.