For the past few days, both Eythan and I have felt pretty gross. Eythan hasn’t felt well enough to go to work and so he’s been home with me. I haven’t felt amazing either so we’ve been having a few sick days. Our days have consisted of watching Prison Break and This is Us on Netflix, sleeping, playing Cribbage and Catan and trying to get the other to bring Lacey for her walks. This means that dishes have not been done since Sunday and our fridge is getting low in stock.
When I was in high school I took a lot of sick days and “sick” days. My parents would allow me to miss school any day that I wanted. (My parents are both school teachers so I have no clue how they justified this in their heads). I loved school though so I didn’t go nuts with the absences. If I woke up on a Friday morning and felt like I needed more sleep and knew that I wouldn’t miss too much, I’d just stay in bed. In grade 12 once I was diagnosed, my Dad encouraged me to stay home or at least sleep in one day a week. I really enjoyed this day. I usually spent it watching the Marylin Denis Show and drinking coffee with Sadie by my side. If I had tests to study for I’d make sure to study but more often than not, I didn’t do anything on these days.
I remember one day in elementary school, I would have been in grade 5 I think, my Dad decided that Him, my sister and I would have a “sick” day. He called our schools and told them we’d be absent and he called in sick himself. That was such a fun day! It was in mid February so the air was cold and crisp outside and it was clear and sunny. We could all see each others breath. Sadie was just a puppy and we played outside with her all day. We went for a long walk in our snow gear and I remember bringing a bottle of orange juice with us. We all took our hockey sticks and a tennis ball as well. Vangie and I had just started hockey that year and Dad wanted to get us practising our puck handling skills. Vangie and I thought it was so cool to play hooky with Dad. He told us that his mom would occasionally do the same thing with him when he was a kid and he always liked the tradition.
When I started University in the fall of 2015 I really loved having a different schedule everyday. I knew that Mondays and Wednesday were sleep in days for me and Tuesdays and Thursdays were for early morning psychology classes. I was in biomedical biology which meant that I had a lot of science labs. These were very important not to miss since we had assignments due every week. In the fall of 2015 I found out that the cancer in my body, which had previously just been in my lungs, (since the original tumour was removed) had actually metastasized again to my kidney. This is when the kidney pain began. There were a lot of days where I would apologetically email my professors asking if I could complete this weeks lab in a different lab session or asking friends to give me todays notes since I’d be missing class due to pain. I still managed to complete my course requirements for that semester but in January 2016 I decided to take the second semester off. There were too many sick days. I’d been behind in the first semester and even had to complete my biology lab through private lab sessions in January.
Now most of my days are sick days. I sit at home with Lacey and rest. I can’t even imagine being in school full time. But not because I’m battling cancer. I’ve become so used to not doing anything most of the time that going out every single day for hours on end seems bizarre. From when I was 10 until age 17 I played hockey at least three times a week, usually five. I played for my high school hockey team as well as my house league team and I still kept good grades and had somewhat of a social life!
Its funny how life changes and crazy how fast we grow up! I keep seeing this meme,
Thinking about this makes me so sad. My friends and I used to play outside all the time. Even into our mid teen years we would run around Dowling playing man tracker or having camp fires or building snow forts.
Now when I think back to that I’m amazed at the energy I had to do all of those things. I don’t want this post to be dark and morbid sounding. I am capable of doing anything I want to on good days. There are days when I’ll have a ton of energy and I’m in no pain at all and I’ll do a bunch of things that I love. But on the sick days I’m very happy to stay inside and play board games with my husband.
I can’t wait until I’m cancer free and have busy days all the time. Better yet to have the energy to have busy days all the time. I trust that God has a plan for me and that he will heal me. But God’s timing is perfect. God has allowed me to suffer (a little) for His plan and His kingdom and I’m happy to do so. But, I’m only human and I do get discouraged and weary and doubtful. I try my hardest to put on a happy face all the time but it is really hard to sometimes, and that’s okay.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Having faith means that I believe what I ask from the Lord will be delivered to me. When I pray to be healed from cancer I pray with expectation that it will happen. If God can do it and there is no thing that God cannot do then who I am I to doubt God. Who am I to say that cancer is too big for God because it isn’t. If He wanted to, He could say the word and all the cancer in my body would go away in an instant. But, He has a plan and maybe that’s not it or maybe just not right now. I don’t know, I don’t understand exactly how God operates.
I have so many blessings in my life to be thankful for and on my sick days thats what I try to remember.
For it has been granted the you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake